Dear 2017,

Man, last year was a (sound that a sea cucumber makes when stepped on), wasn’t it?

I mean, let’s be real: If I could stage a Brexit of my own, I would. Heck, I’d call it the (first few consonants of your name + the word “exit”) and it’d be a (superlative) (rude verb) protest of being exposed repeatedly to (the most annoying Trump child) in my daily life. But I digress.

The fact is, 2016 was hard. Ariana Grande licked a cupcake. (Name of friend) licked a (noun). Nobody licked the glass ceiling, that’s for sure. And the Zodiac Killer turned out to be (name of a guy named Ted Cruz) this whole time…

But in this moment of great trial, being the (nasty woman / bad hombre) that I am, I want to remain positive and really grab (life / the world / a drink) by the (thing that’s appropriate to grab, such as a handle). There’s still so much that I’m looking forward to. And I know that I can rock this new year by:

  • Quitting (bad activity) and taking up (slightly better activity),
  • Eating more (plant thing) and less (thing that you found at a gas station), and
  • Helping others by giving my (time / money / skills) to (local organization).

After all — as (inspirational person) once said — “Be the (thing) you wish to see in the (place).” And, gosh darnit, I’m going to be the (superlative adjective) (same thing) that this (same place) has ever seen.

2017, I’m ready for you. And I just know that, if we all (optimistic activity) together — next year, we’ll all look back and remember that the year we all felt (emotion) was the same year we began to work harder for our hopes, future, and (type of happy hour snack).

With love,

(Your name)